The Nostalgia Wolf
by MundaneMatt
Summary: a horror sci-fi story set in the final days of Channel Awesome, a love letter to the dark knight returns


The Nostalgia Wolf - a tale of Love and Betrayal

by Matthew Broderick

"Your time is up, Doug," said Mike Michaud, his eyes the piercing color of ice.

"Y-you can't do this to me Mike!" screamed Doug, drying off the sweat from his bald head, where so many years ago the hair his wife loved so much had stood. "I started all of this! You'd be a nobody if it weren't for me!"

It was the year 2038. Views had been steadily declining on Channel Awesome, even after they moved their homepage on the official futuristic 3d virtual web. Mike Michaud, always the wise businessman, thought it was time for a change: The Nostalgia Critic was dead, his gimmick of reviewing his 20 years old reviews failed to gain traction. His final review, The Anvil Hoarder (2028 remake) had a record low viewings of 15. The newer generation couldn't even understand what a big lipped alligator moment was, let alone how to fry the coke.

Mike laughed, coldly. "Maybe you should get back to your job as a janitor," he said. "If you ask them nicely they may even let you... do it for free." Then he snapped his fingers, and his personal bodyguard, Miles Antwhiler, came into the room and started forcing Doug out. After the Great Mexican Purge of 2016, Miles "Wetback Setback" Antwhiler was out of a job, and he happily accepted when Mike asked him to be his personal bodyguard. Living without a gun in his hand just felt wrong.

"I'll remember this Mike!" screamed Doug. "I'll remember it, so you don't have to!"

"I'm sure you will, Doug, I'm sure you will."

Then the doors closed in front of him. Yet, he could still hear Michaud's laugh in his head.

"What are we going to do now Doug? What are we going to do?!" screamed his wife, pacing around the house, each step creating a small earthquake, her saggy breasts bumping up and down like the big lips of the alligator.

"We're gonna have to sell the house," said Doug, holding back the tears.

"We're so far in debt it would barely cover them all, what are we going to do, live on the street?"

"I'm gonna think of something my dear," said Doug, "I always do. Remember when we almost went bankrupt from making Demo Reel?"

"Sure I remember you fucking asshole," said the big woman, "what I can't remember is why I didn't give you the boot when I still could."

"Because we love each other dear," said Doug. "If only Tyrone were still living with us, he would know what to do... I knew I shouldn't have let them deport him. He was a good friend."

"It's not the time to cry over spilled milk Doug. Fine, we'll sell the house. My uncle owns a mansion in the woods near here, we can settle there for the time being. Let's take the car."

"We sold the car already, honey," said Doug. Hanging from a rope didn't seem so bad to him now. He wonder wether or not Spoony, who chose to leave this world the same way, suffered too much. Even though he had to chase him away from the site, Doug never believed the absurd accusations they made against Spoony. Everyone knew his girlfriend April died from falling down four ramps of stairs over a bunch of knives, and that's all there was to it. Too bad he couldn't take the pressure, all those tweets, all those mean comments... "He has been dead now for as long as he was alive," he thought.

"Then we'll walk", said his gigantic wife, snapping him out of it.

Linkara took a moment to collect himself before starting the recording. Mike had given him a job, to be the next face of Channel Awesome.

Linkara thought it was a long time coming. He had been carrying the burden of continuity for 30 years now. Always careful, never slipping, the Channel Awesome Cinematic Universe only made sense because he forced it to make sense. So who cares if he had to chase away Phelous? His constant death schtick was ruining the continuity for everybody, how were they supposed to present themselves as businessmen with plotholes everywhere? Linkara knew that sacrifices had to be made, and Doug was just the last of a long list.

The site took a hit after Angry José was deported, but he held it together. With At4w the movie 6: the return of Mechakara wrapping up post production, he was ready to start episode 1134 of At4w, this time reviewing one of his old comicbooks, Lightbringer.

"How nostalgic!" he thought. He was an old man now, old and falling apart, but he couldn't neglect his duty.

He decided: this episode would be dedicated to his late wife. He used to affectionately call her Harambe, his little pet gorilla, and when a heart attack took her from him too soon, he though he would never be able to love again. "At least she didn't live to see the concentration camps," he thought.

Thankfully he met someone who made his life complete, worth living again. That's why he had to leave his wife, and his past, behind.

Linkara was ready, he sat down and turned on the camera.

"Hello and welcome, to atop the fourth wall, where bad comics burn!"

Doug and his wife were running in the woods, scared, famished. Where was the mansion? Did it even exist?

"Fucking republicans!" Screamed Doug. It all went downhill from him ever since Drumpf came into office.

The final chance for people like them, the 2024 Lindsay Ellis / Allison Pregler ticket, failed miserably as well. Now those two were living the high life after inheriting the clinton foundation; Hillary made them her favourite sex slaves, and they played the cards right. "I knew I should have prepped the bull when I had the chance," he thought.

Suddenly, he heard an howl.

"They're after us!" said his humongous wife, trying to catch her breath and damning every single hotpocket she ever ate.

"What? What's going on?"

"Warewolves!" she screamed, and as if she called them, suddenly they were surrounded by a bunch of hairy beasts.

Doug's mind wandered for a minute; long ago they would have turned him on, but after becoming a feminist, prepping the bull was the only thing he could think about. Furries are degenerate after all, or so his dad used to tell him, god rest his soul.

He looked at his abnormally huge wife for one last time.

"I'm sorry my love," he said, and then sprayed ketchup all over her and tripped her.

"You fucking piece of cis scum, I won't forget this, you piece of shit!"

Doug started running. He could still hear his wife screaming as the wolves tore out her flaccid flesh. With the last of the strenght she just screamed "BAT CREDIT CARD!"

Doug fell on his knees. What was he even doing anymore? This world had no place for him anymore. He just killed the only person in the world who remembered his memes.

Then, suddenly, he noticed it: The full moon, peaking from the trees.

"Linky, that was the best review you ever did!" Jacob Hopeman screamed like the little girl he once was.

"Thank you love," said Linkara with his Finevoice fine voice. Jacob loved that, and he quickly embraced him before kissing him.

While their tongues twisted and twirled in each other's mouths, Linkara reflected on what brought them together:

At first it was just posts on a private blog, Channel Awesome Confessions. Someone would keep sending them passionate love letters, even sexual. Of course he knew that was actually Jacob, or "hope" as he was called back then. But he was missing something crucial back in the day.

Until, finally, he got a dick, just like he always wanted. From that point on they loved each other passionately every day.

"Say it to me linky," he moaned, "say it to me."

They were used to having sex in the CA offices, since, ever since the hit show pop quiz hotshot was cancelled, they were mostly empty.

"I'm your nasty cockslut," said linkara as he slid jacob's dick in his mouth.

"Disgusting degenerates, get the fuck out" said Miles, interrupting them.

"Excuse me sir!" said Linkara, cleaning his mouth, "that's sexist! I'm just saying, maybe we shouldn't discriminate herm lovers, HMMMMMM?"

"Oh Linkara, you are so brave, standing up to the One Man Wall Miles Antwhiler! But be careful, he entered a blood oath with Ben Garrison and Sam Hyde, he will shoot you on sight!" Said Jacob, worrying, as he stroked his stff dick while cum dripped on his shoes.

"That's it, I'm leaving," said Miles, spitting on the ground. "You can consider yourselves safe until I get my last paycheck. The day of the rope will be right after that though, so count your days you degenerate fucks."

Miles took off the door and Linkara and Jacob sighed in relief, until they heard him scream his lungs out.

"Wait... Doctor Insano?!" screamed Linkara.

"Linky, Doctor Insano isn't real, and Spoony has been dead for years..." said Jacob, saddened.

"I'll let you know, Jacob, that fictional characters are just as real as you and me! Did you not read my philosophical writings?"

"Oh Linky, you are so wise!" said Jacob, and started unzipping linkara's pants, until Mile's severed head was thrown into the room.

Both started screaming. The door opened, and it revealed a sinister figure. Hairy body, long nails, huge fangs. A stupid black hat covered his head and he had a red tie around his neck.

"He almost looks like..." Jacob's words were cut short; the wolfman teleported behind him and opened up his gut with his hands.

"Nothing personal kid..." he said, adjusting his hat.

Linkara was shocked. "You may be strong, mister warewolf, but me... I AM A MAN!" He said, and lunged at him. When he tried to punch him, though, he realized his arm was no longer there: The warewolf was already chewing on it.

Linkara screamed, and the warewolf cut his throat. Before his corpse was even cold the mysterious wolf was already dining on his innards.

"What the fuck is going on?" Mike Michaud came in, scared shitless, and he found Linkara's, Miles's and Jacob's bodyparts scattered around the studio.

"Holy shit, what the fuck" he said, dumbfounded. The warewolf came out of the shadows.

"Remember me, Mike?"

"No... I mean, yes, my god, my father was right... I was to be punished by the devil for fapping to furry porn! I'm sorry dad, I'm sorry Jesus!" Mile shat and pissed his pants.

"I remember it Mike... I remember it... so you don't have to!"

Mike's eyes lit up. "Holy jesus fuck, is that you? What the fuck happened?"

The warewolf didn't reply, he just started running. Mike Michaud ran away from him.

"I'll renew you contract, I swear! I'll let you have all the ad revenue!"

"It's too late Mike," said the wolf, "you are the demons."

"What the fuck does that mean?" Asked Mike, more baffled then scared, but he would never get an answer, because the warewolf immediately cut of his head.

After enacting his revenge, the wolf sat down, calmly eating Mike's brains directly from his severed head. Then he noticed the camera, and the white wall behind him.

He turned on the camera, and spoke to the world as he once did.

"Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Wolf. I killed them all, so you don't have to."

\- Fin

In memory of my dear mother

Special thanks to Smegkara for suggesting it


End file.
